Tonight I am posting my first oral history interview regarding the topic Identifying As “They.” As I wrote the other day the topic of the evolution of identifying pronouns is very compelling to me, mainly because of the amount and variety of people in my life who have evolved with the increase in new ideas and new ways to talk about and explore feelings and ideas. My generation had these feelings, confusions and challenges, too, but did not have the resources to talk about them yet. I would like to explore these ideas with people in this blog so I am beginning with Billie Mae.
Billie Mae is 22 years old and was born and raised in Northwestern Connecticut. We are related so I felt comfortable testing out my questions on them and getting feedback before I continued. Here is our conversation.
Do you identify as
they?
Yes I do.
What does that mean
for you?
Since I can remember I’ve never had a problem with presenting outwardly feminine, but I didn’t feel like I was a girl, not a boy either, but somewhere in the middle.
How did you know you
were non binary?
As I mentioned before I was always confused but it wasn’t until I was about 16 and about to start college, that’s when I learned the term and that people can identify as something other than their assigned birth, and after trying a new name and new pronouns/labels, it just felt natural.
What is something
being non-binary has taught you, opened your eyes to?
OK! I think being something other than a fixed gender really helped me understand the complexity of humans. I have felt alone my whole life in one way or another, and after a while I kinda started thinking there was something wrong with me because nothing about me was conventional. I always got bullied for being weird so that was just the natural reaction my brain had, but I looked at gender and saw how some people were so certain about their gender until this whole new world of different terminology and identities opened up, and it blew my mind how many other people were also unsure about their gender or sexuality.
Do you think
Community College was a safe place to explore gender?
Absolutely!! My years in
community college were the best of my life so far; I have never been more
welcomed and accepted by a group of people than at community college.
I think (the concepts
and language) probably clicks a lot easier for someone who’s had thoughts about
their gender. Some people are so sure of
themselves they don’t bother to question anything until they come face to face
with a situation where they have to seek answers from within
I think it’s healthy for everyone to question their gender and identity. It’s kinda like a free consultation, there’s no harm in just checking in
I agree, and I think making the differentiation between gender and sexuality is really healthy, too.
Absolutely!
I get asked how I’m non-binary but a lesbian at the same time
Billie Mae's FB profile photo
One does not determine the other.
But a lesbian’s identity
is more intertwined with gender than most sexuality I feel. So many peoples’ lives
center on men and when you start living life with the “man factor” completely
off the bored you feel more free, like that’s a huge weight off your shoulders.
And to be a lesbian you do not have to be a cis female, it’s really the lack of
attraction to men rather than the attraction to non-men
… due to the lack of
attraction to men, women who identify as lesbians feel out of place in society
almost, and we’re also one of the most vulnerable groups of people, and I think
that allows for a lot of evaluation about everything from gender to just who
you are deep in your core.
…there are a lot of
complications with lesbianism, I’ll admit. I had my suspicions a couple years
ago because I never felt comfortable around men, like ever, and then I learned
about compete “compulsory heterosexuality” and everything made sense
Billie has given me some things to think about. I find the challenge of separating gender and
sexuality interesting and one I find myself exploring. Please respond if you’d like in a respectful
way. People who are answering my
interview do not need disrespect, but they are willing to converse. Thank you, Billie for doing this with me.
Now here are a couple photos from a gorgeous day.
I will - as I always am - be extremely transparent in my response, and my reactions. My reactions are rather testy; my responses are respectful. In other words, whatever you want to be called or identified as, I'll be on board as I can be, given that I will forget things all the damn time, and this is a new thing to have to keep in mind. But I have always wanted to know the real name of some Asian I.T. man on the phone who calls himself Phil, and I know damn well he ain't called "Phil". And I will call people by whatever name they want me to. It's a matter of respect.
ReplyDeleteBut I also have two reactions to this sussing out of pronouns, and ANOTHER response. The reaction is, "huh? Ohmygod don't give me a LABEL I have to worry about when I'm dealing with the damn emotional and authentic CORE of myself and of others!" I honestly don't see that it matters; it doesn't matter to me. But it matters to Billie. So, for Billie - if I knew them - I would (see?). (And I still think it's weird.) In my worldview, use whatever helps give yourself a sense of knowing who you are, accepting who you are, and of feeling better in this insane and too-uncaring world.
I'm 63 years old. But I'm not old. I'm an explorer. So I'm far from set in my ways, and I have been exploring personal growth, and out-of-the-box modes of thinking and behaving and spiritualizing and self-expressing throughout my entire life. And I think that the preoccupation with or focus on pronouns might become unnecessary as we begin to get more comfortable with the fact - not acknowledged at any time in the last 170 years and more - that we are not one thing or another thing. We are very complex beings.
In a world in which we are encouraged to live our complexity, we might not need pronouns, possibly, but we would still need ways to understand who we are, and to embrace the complex and confusing totality of who we are. That's not easy. Not ever.
So, whatever it takes to do what we need to do to be our unapologetic, authentic selves, I'm in. Just a word of request; be patient with those who have broken all of the rules before you were even born; just because we aren't yet in tune with yours doesn't mean we ain't hip as hell, and willing to listen and to understand. We hope you will want to do the same for us.