Day 53

February 22, 2021

Interview 2; Gray

  Do you identify as "they?"

Hmmm, interesting first question. After thinking about it I realized I do not identify as “they.” I identify as me, and what that means is a malleable, emotional ping-pong ball, type A overachiever, athlete, singer, dancer and writer who is often overcome by the eroticism of food and who is, yes, non-binary. And yes, a piece of my non-binary identity is that I use they/them/theirs gender pronouns but no, if asked what I consider myself to be, “they” is not a word I would use to describe myself. 

2. What does that mean for you?

I think that “they” means a different thing to every single person you ask. “They” might be a podcast, a Netflix show, the face of a loved one, or what you see when you look in the mirror. When I hear the word they used in reference to identity I think of two friends, one my age the other a couple years older, who have both helped open my eyes to the depth and complexity of individual identity, relationship to one’s body, and to how to breathe into being a “self” that feels as though “they” are a genuine reflection of who you feel yourself to be. Then I think of a mirror, of countless hours spent willing my body to transform but not knowing what form I want it to take. “They” to me means allowing the space for you to be yourself, even if you’re not sure who that person is, and then finding a window seat to watch the journey unfold. 

How did you know you were non-binary"

I still question how I knew, and how I know I am non-binary. It did not happen in a blinding flash of light, there was no great moment of epiphany or exaltation, rather, I have a picture of snapshots, pieced together inside my frame. Being asked if I was gay by a former girlfriend, saying “no,” and then saying that I “wasn’t exactly sure.”  Feeling the rush of adrenaline when I wore my mom’s prom dress on Halloween when I was 12. The apprehension tossing slip of fingers interlacing and the brush of a beard on my chest. The sweat soaked tank-tops and laughter filled eyes that greeted me the first time I walked onto a dance floor by myself. All of these images, pulled together and smashed onto a palette before being reborn on the canvas of my life. Something that I do know is that each day my relationship to being non-binary, what that means to me continues to unfurl, that I can now say “the pronoun you used to describe me feels disingenuous to who I am and how I move through the world so I ask that you not call me that.” and that 4 years ago I would not have understood my own non-binariness to a degree that I would have been able to name my experience of self as such.

4. What is something being non-binary has taught you/ opened your eyes to?

Stepping into my non-binary self has opened my eyes to how quickly I can shift, and that holding a plethora of different identities within oneself does not mean that I need to construct a hierarchy of identities to prioritize within myself, that they will each shift their positions within the pyramid as the situations I am in change and that that ebb and flow is not something to be  pushed away from, but embraced whole-heartedly, with eyes wide open to the journeys that the current you are on may take you.

Gray was raised in Western Massachusetts, was home schooled and attended Greenfield Community College.  For as long as I have known them they have worked several jobs, taken classes, song in choruses, and run the Boston Marathon in the time COVID.  They just completed their associates degree in December.

I have to tell you I am tired of the greyness and I look forward to the green.  Couldn't eat my lunch in Green River Cemetery today.  

My ride took me through Deerfield today.  Again I saw no birds of prey at all.   The snow was just beginning to fall and I think birds, with the exception of a gang of starlings, had gone into hiding already.  

I've lined up several more interviews and I have invited a couple of other people who chose a different route than they.  I'm pleased at how much I am learning from doing this small project.  I will post something on every other day.  Thanks for reading.