Day 221

August 9, 2021

A pretty wildflower day

I want to write about love tonight, not romantic love, but the love that glues us all together and keeps us going.  My nephew, Jason has been having a hard time this summer.  He gets this pouring of love when he reaches out for it.  Makes me so happy he's so loved, although I can't imagine anyone loving him more than I do.  I want to get on a plane and make him feel good.  I want to fix things.  But I can't.  I can't even fix things for me these days.   But I love him from the center of my heart.   

Or about sibling love which has not rules or something.  You grow up in this pile, like puppies and then you all move off to your own pile of puppies and how should you act when you just want to build a lego city together in the play room.  I just want us all on that warm floor with all those blocks and wooden trains around us.  

And I miss our parents.  I miss our mother and our father and the music.  My heart swells some nights because I remember and I want to sing Gilbert and Sullivan around the piano so badly.   I want to sing about The Moon and I and the Very Merry Model of a Modern Major General.

I want my love to be a suave and a tonic. I don't want those I love hurt.  No one should get bad diseases and no one should want for a lot, some yes, but never a lot.

in my mid twenties and early thirties I wanted to find someone to run a home for disabled orphans, I wanted to be able to use the amount of love I was given to care for those children who needed to be loved.  But I didn't want to do it alone either.  Although I have certainly been loved and I have certainly loved, no one has walked into my life who wished to raise children with me.  Now, at almost seventy, I do not have the energy to raise children.  But I sometimes still wish I'd done it.

It's not as though I haven't loved many children.  There have been near a score.  Some of them are still around.  Some of them are still a part of my every day thinking.  I feel blessed by their existence.  They make my heart sing, the 56 year olds and the 20 year olds and everybody in between.  They are my love and my strength.  I hold them so incredibly close.