Day 347

December 13, 2022

Happy Birthday, Andrea Laura.

The fact that I gave birth 50 years ago is astonishing.

The fact that I have not seen you in 50 is even more so.

I did a lot of thinking and kind of meditating today.  In the pool I tried to really stay in the moment and to also truly feel what I was feeling.  50 years,  have I even lived 50 years?

Part of me wanted to call her up and wish her happy birthday, but it feels so sudden, so sharp, I don't want it be sharp, although I don't know how I can avoid it being startling.  You're adopted at birth and 50 years later someone calls you up to wish you a happy 50th?  To tell you your birth story?  To try to describe you as a hurting 19 year old kid in severe grief trauma?

No my reason to do it would be to meet her because I'm pretty convinced she must be cool.

The rookery was 37 degrees and sunny.  None of my Pentax photos came out.  It's time to either get it fixed or just put it awaay.

And the canal at the beginning of sunset was rather lovely.  I saw ducks and geese and gulls.  Others saw the heron today.  I'll look again tomorrow.

Ended at Unity Park, the color was sublime.  I tried to write at all 3 places, but wasn't able to, wasn't able to organize my thoughts.  I have something to say, but it's not there yet.  I'll keep trying.

I did get to talk about the difference between being taught how to hold others and being born with the ability.  That was an interesting discussion.  I haven't really thought about it per se, but in the past couple days I've been with someone who felt they were not taught how to do it.  That they came upon the skill naturally.  And someone who felt their professional training taught them how to, that their belief that a minister's job was about holding a community's space and that she did not come by it naturally.  Really interesting to me.  

Also I'm not sure where I am going with the thread, but it feels really important at the moment.