Day 358

December 24, 2022

Christmas Eve in Vermont

Back in the world of the abundant bird feeders, yes back in Vermont with Rocky. I'm alone, bur with a Christmas tree, which is sweet.  I need to wrap presents.  And this house is entirely hooked up to electronics and I can't figure out how to use most of it.  The tree is on a timer, so I didn't have to figure that out.  

Just got the emergency text, so I am saved.

So I'm alone, and I hadn't planned on it.  I'm not upset, just kind of surprised at how alone I feel.  I've been alone on Christmas Eve a lot over the past ten years because I have such a hard time dealing with large groups so I haven't gone to parties, or large dinners. I made myself a very large salad and I had an English muffin which I haven't had in a long time and I will watch "Three Pines."  I will wrap presents, yes Lindy, wrap presents.  LOL

It is also odd to think that Barb is no longer with us.  It's been a long time since we all gathered together on Christmas.  I'm not sure I've been to a family Christmas since Jason moved to California and that was before Mom passed.  I think Kora was about 9 the first time I spent Christmas with Annie and that was 10 years before Mom went, or about the same time EJ was born; over 20 years ago.  

I was thinking about the year Jaime was here, that was 2001 and we went to the movies together.  I don't remember what we saw and the following day we took him to the airport and we haven't seen each other since.  

The issue is that Christmas is not a religious holiday for me.  Sometimes it is a spiritual day and most of the time it is meaningful loving day, but it has so many years of sadness and hard memories attached to it that i can't really get too serious about it.

If I continue to think about 50 year anniversaries I would break down and cry.  50 years ago tonight I was probably in more emotional pain than any other night of my life. It was raining that night and threatening to freeze.  I had given birth eleven days earlier and the father of my child had come into Connecticut to spend time with his family with his then girlfriend.  They called and asked me to come get Lynn and bring her home.  I did it.  Frozen in my heart and completely crushed I drove to Bridgeport and picked her up, tried desperately not to see Andy, but was invited in by his father and again I could not refuse.  Awful.  I then drove her to her parent's house and came back to my family and the neighbors and tried so hard to believe there was nothing wrong.  It was all alright.  Whoever taught us to put on a happy face and lie to oneself and the world?  Whoever led anyone to believe that was better for you than to scream from the top of the roof?  They were wrong.  

Anyway, Christmas is complex and tonight I am alone in my nephew's home taking care of their cat, having to wrap some presents, glad to be in the life that I am in and so very grateful for the people in that life.  I am grateful for life.  

Merry Christmas Eve one and all.